You're better off dead, pal

In the latest breaking news of my cartoon reality, the dude whose initials are BS has finally been killed in a tragic car accident (due to a lack of mighty tornadoes in Florida, there were no flying houses present to flatten him with his feet sticking out at an odd angle from where the house would've landed on him, so I settled for a tragic car crash). No others were injured and there is no immediate known cause for the accident, although toxicology reports are still pending.

Alternately, the dude whose initials are BS was found dead in his home by a friend. His heart had exploded in his sleep and no foul play appears to have been involved.

I will play maudlin for a while, since it appears at first sight to be an unspeakable tragedy for someone so inextricably linked to my own life to be swept to the bosom of his Maker at such a relatively early age; and after all, he is the father of my child.

I will of course attend his funeral and be more than helpful to his mother and other next of kin in the distribution of his estate and assets (of which, of course, there are none to speak of. Thank GOD I am not financially or legally bound to him in any way, shape or form: now it will be up to his mother to bail out those financial debts which survive his untimely death).

His mother will be moved, of course, to provide amply for her half-orphaned granddaughter, and in addition to setting up a trust fund in her name, will also cover her health insurance and provide a generous monthly stipend to cover her immediate needs. In order to help me and my daughter overcome our grief, she will also send me a check for $100,000 to help us during this difficult time. Meanwhile, probate court will agree that Bill's estate is also indebted to me for an additional $120,000 or so as a result of an audit performed on his financial records.

I will pack up the household and immediately move to Cyprus with my family, where our sponsor will provide us with a beautiful house on the beach at no cost and where my gorgeous, able and generous husband will learn to be a trader for our sponsor while I laze away the afternoons in our beautiful beach house and write my first, second and third books, which go on to become very successful and establish my new career as a professional writer. The children will grow up in a privileged environment, receive excellent educations and enjoy much travel throughout Europe, Asia and Dubai, as well as frequent visits Stateside.

Yay.