The Rules of Love: Break-Ups

THE RULES OF LOVE
Based on a series of clinical trials and field studies conducted by a University of Chicago Graduate of Cultural Anthropology (with Honors), from 1986 to 2009.
THE RULES
BREAK-UPS
1. (Deadhead boy): Honesty is not always the best policy, or, the Truth May Not Set you Free
2. (Amir): If he Beats you while telling you he loves you, chances are he’s lying
3. (Eddie Part I): “I just want you to do whatever makes you happy” is a license for cheating
4. (Eddie Part II): “There’s the door – use it.”
5. (Bill Westcott): Get a Clue, before it’s too late
6. (Misc.): When you get VD and your fallopian tube explodes, that’s God telling you it’s time to slow down
7. (Paul): True love doth not a happy marriage make (it’s all in the details)
8. (Paul, part II): “You mean your son’s a BASTARD?” (it’s all in the details)
9. (Tony): Either shit or get off the pot
10. (Kris): Marriage is never a solution to your relationship problems; or, Shitting on the Floor as a Litmus Test
11. (Bill S): If he smells bad and cheats and lies, chances are you weren’t meant for each other anyways; or, if he tells you you’re crazy, he’s up to something bad
12. (Best Friend): and we lived happily ever after...

I have one fallopian tube, 2 children from two different men, and I’ve been divorced twice (if you include the first marriage, which as I found out after its demise was never a legally binding one). I married my first husband a month after meeting him. I was engaged to my second husband within a week of first meeting him. I got pregnant with my second child on a first date with someone I’d just met the day before, while in the middle of one of the messiest divorces of the twenty-first century. I gave my life savings to a total stranger on the advices of a not-always-well-intentioned ex boyfriend.

The week before my 40th birthday, I moved out of my then-boyfriend’s house with my children, a dog and a cat, and rented a place that I had to borrow money from my kid brother for. I hadn’t been in the work force for a year and a half, and I was stepping into the middle of the worst recession on a century. To celebrate the occasion, I bought myself a brand-new Rolex – on credit. I was confident I’d make it all work out, although I didn’t have a clue how. Needless to say, my actual prospects were dim.

But, believe it or not, there’s something to be said for experience – as long as you can take some lessons learned from it. Experience is one thing I’ve had plenty of. I never saw much point in waiting for something to happen – in fact, I invented a bumper sticker that said “PATIENCE IS A WASTE OF TIME”. (I was too impatient to actually do anything with the idea, and so I am including it only as another idea that never came to fruition. Feel free to use my idea but if you make a million dollars off it, please know that I will come knocking on your door one cold winter’s eve, demanding half of the profits).